What Election?

Up until just a few minutes ago I had no idea that today is Election Day. For no reason whatsoever I was under the impression it fell on November 28th this year.

Although I do a fair job staying current on issues, observing trends and sentiments in this great country, and discussing the prospects for and implications of policy with knowledgeable peers, I guess I just missed this whole general election cycle.

In fairness to me and others like me, the news coverage of all this stuff has been relatively sparse. That’s what happens when the candidates running for America’s highest office are low-profile unknowns reluctant to engage with most forms of publicity.

There’s also a popular consensus among politicians and voters from all parties about the issues most pressing for our nation and the solutions most appropriate to address them. Which explains partly the absence of media coverage and minimal public attention being paid to this election. Since we all agree, what’s there to report? Since nobody cares anyway, who’d read or watch the coverage?

Which further explains how I’ve managed to miss all this stuff up to now. Nobody’s really talking about it.

I’m guessing you’re probably in the same boat as I am since most people haven’t gotten too invested in this whole thing.

That means we’re really gonna have to hunker down this morning to get familiar with platforms, positions, arguments, analyses and orientations surrounding all the candidates for office and legislative measures on which we can vote. Probably a quick Google search for “Election 2016” will give us everything we need to know before heading to the polls to meet up with chads of all varieties, including those that hang and are pregnant.

I think the Google search will be sufficient because:

1) we’ll be able to learn all we need to know about this election in just a couple of minutes surfing the web

and

2) the outcome really doesn’t seem to matter since

A) we all agree

and

B) the major party candidates are so similar.

Which means we can now turn our attention to other, more important and immediate matters.

What Election?

The Real Issues

Because I haven’t really been watching this election thing very closely and pretty much singlehandedly crashing Nate Silver’s excellent website with my compulsive refreshing of his election forecast map, I’ve had plenty of brainshare to commit to coming up with the really real issues we face. I’ve outlined them below.

Now, the Measures listed here may not be on your ballot. But they concern us all, and I encourage you to get acquainted with the facts:

Measure RK

Measure RK: The state will establish a Robert Kiyosaki Inverse 3x Leveraged ETF (ticker: RKLL) that invests in exactly the opposite of whatever weird sewage Robert Kiyosaki advocates. The state will invest all its financial holdings in RKLL.

Argument for: Measure RK is expected to generate sufficient returns to make everyone in the state a billionaire within one year of the establishment of RKLL.

Argument against: There is no reasonable argument against Measure RK.

Recommended vote: YES

Measure KIM

Measure KIM: The state will designate Kim Kardashian-free zones (i.e., “shelter zones”) throughout public areas that provide sanctuary from the bizarre and ubiquitous presence of Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, any other Kardashian, all the Hilton kids, and all similar fake celebrities on the web. In shelter zones, such fake celebrities (defined generally as individuals who are terrible in every conceivable way) will be blocked from smartphone, computer, tablet, wristwatch and all other screens.

Argument for: The world will instantly suck way less.

Argument against: Some residents have noted that fake celebrities like Kim Kardashian appear with such frequency on their screens that faint outlines of the images have “burned” onto the screens’ pixels. Known as “Kim ghosts,” these screen burns have made some residents fearful that Measure KIM will fall short of its promises. In response, advocates for Measure KIM have noted that, in the event Measure RK is passed, everyone will become a billionaire and can easily afford new phones and computers.

Recommended vote: YES

Measure 1225

Measure 1225: The state will enforce a ban on Christmas music during the period in any calendar year preceding Thanksgiving or following Christmas Day.

Argument for: Mental healthcare costs are expected to plummet with the passage of Measure 1225. The state will save hundreds of millions of dollars in medical costs, while worker productivity gains exceed 380%.

Argument against: Record labels and recording artists responsible for such hits as “Jingle Dogs” are expected to see their royalties decline by as much as 70%. Additionally, Lindsay Lohan presumably likes “Jingle Dogs.”

Recommended vote: YES

Measure 777

Measure 777: The state will impose new restrictions against removal of shoes in public and commercial transit vessels and terminals, including those associated with air travel. Removal of one’s shoes during a commercial flight, for instance, will result in immediate relocation of the offending party to the lavatory for the duration of the trip.

Argument for: There is no need to articulate an argument for Measure 777.

Argument against: Opponents of Measure 777 note that, in theory, foot odor could be used successfully to mask the unpleasant fetor of Lindsay Lohan, several Kardashians and Robert Kiyosaki during commercial flights. In these instances, they argue, Measure 777 would act against the public good.

Recommended vote: YES, unless you happen to be on lots of flights with fake celebrities.

Measure 1000

Measure 1000: FinanciaLibre posts about the election will face a maximum limit of 1,000 words.

Argument for: Reading too much about the election can be detrimental to health. Imposition of a limit on FinanciaLibre articles relating to the election is expected to reduce incidence of anxiety, high blood pressure, hair loss, drymouth, the sudden urge to flee to a third-world country as a political refugee and bleeding from the eyes.

Argument against: FinanciaLibre has argued unconvincingly that the limit should be 1,002 words.

Recommended vote: YES.

 

Luchadores, are there any other measures you’d like to see on the ballot? Holla, and then get out there and vote!

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